Why do I keep picking fights with my boyfriend?!

by Still_Confused_girl
(New York)

Hi Eda,

I've written on your site one other time and you were great help! I'm still in the same relationship. Last time I wrote about how his ex-girlfriend kept getting in the picture, that has been long over with!!

This is a problem about me pretty much. The guy i'm dating is 25, im soon to be 20. We met in college actually. Come August 10th, we will be together 5 months. But we have been "talking/together" since December. Everything was great starting off, i loved it! We were friends to begin, and it went up hill from there. I was always the one texting him at first, saying hi to him at first, etc. I was doing all the work. But soon after, you can see he started really liking me. The tables have turned. I woke up to him texting me and always reaching out to me, i loved it!! So soon enough we started dating.. We never fought before we started dating. And i believe that was, because I was afraid to lose him. I didn't want to fight him so he'd leave. It was too early on.

But of course, in time.. we started dating, and I started fighting. The guy is perfect. REALLY sweet, i have so much fun with him, i'm so comfortable with him! Apologizes when he is wrong, (or when im too stubborn and he knows it.. so he apologizes to keep me happy). He's always trying to keep me happy. And with me, thats a REALLY hard job. So my thing is, if this guy is so perfect, and he is, what's wrong with me? I'm always picking fights with him over REALLY stupid stuff. I trust him. I do. But i get sooo jealous of stupid things! i'm like that crazy girlfriend you never wanted. He really loves me, and hes sensitive and cute and everything. I know he's faithful and would never cheat on me or hurt me. SO why do i fight with him?

I have no clue and it's driving me crazy! These fights are never big. They are little and we get over them quick. But why do i do it? I hang up on, and the guy calls right back! Always! I love it. Maybe I take him for granted? Maybe i fight because I know he wont leave? I don't know. But i do fight and i want to stop. Even when i am fighting with him im like "this is stupid, stop fighting". But i'm too stubborn. Like while i'm fighting, i know its wrong, but i still do it. And i do get scared he's gonna leave, or that he's gonna get tired of the little fights. But I don't stop. He's never put off that he'd ever leave me, or that he's tired of it.. But I still get scared.

Any idea on why I fight?? This is my first "real" relationship. I don't trust guys, though I never really had a reason not too. I just don't trust them. I dont like the guys he hangs out with, they arent bad guys, but kinda players. I know my boyfriend is nothing like that. Everybody gets tired of me and my boyfriend on our facebooks always saying how much we love eachother. But i get jealous even when a girl says HI to him! I know I have nothing to worry about.

I dont know anymore.. Any ideas on why I fight?? i hate it :(


Hey there! I am so glad I could help you before. Now, let me try to shed a little insight on this situation…


You have the perfect guy according to your standards, Awesome! Now stop whatever it is you are doing because you will lose him… You admit that you start these arguments; you admit you get jealous over the stupidest things; you also admit that you are wrong and stubborn. The first step in curing any unacceptable behavior is by admitting there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. Good for you for recognizing it (so many people fail to even get this far).

Now the next step is a tad more difficult. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you why you do this. I can certainly speculate. Maybe you’re afraid of this guy being too perfect; ya know the saying, “If it seems to be too good to be true it is”? You’re afraid of losing him so you are being self destructive to make it a little easy down the road. Or maybe this is your own defense mechanism; are you afraid of it working out and you’re not ready for it? Maybe the two of you are spending too much time together... Only you hold the answer to this question.

How do you stop doing what you’re doing? It is going to take some work, but you can do it. You need to start recognizing how stupid your argument is before it starts. When you feel yourself getting angry over something petty, take a moment and count to 10. Take a walk or whatever you have to do in order to sort out why you’re feeling the way you do. Practice intervening with yourself and you will get better over time.

The two of you may get over these arguments quickly now, but he may not put up with it forever. Hell, no one should have to. If you say you trust him and you know he loves you then give him the same courtesy by not being (ahem) such a bitch to him. If he isn’t giving you any reason to pick a fight with him, why would you want to give him a reason to leave?

Go with the flow sweetie, learn to chill out a little bit. A girl who says hi on FB is not a threat to you! He’s with you, but he may not be if you continue doing what your doing. Have confidence in your relationship and be happy that you currently have what so many people desire. Have confidence in yourself! He loves you… let him love you.