Was it really guilt that caused him to contact her and should i trust that its over for good

Hello,

Here is my dilemma. When my husband was about 18 he began a relationship with this girl. His family did not approve but they loved him and let him make his own decisions. However it soon became clear to them that she was a bad influence in his life when he started acting differently. They tried to talk to him but he became angry, left the house and moved in with her and her parents. He did not have contact with his family during this time while he lived with her. Both of her parents were addicted to drugs and he ended up taking fiscal responsibility for the household while he lived there. According to him during this time she was emotionally abusive to him always making him like he was worthless and that all their problems were his fault.


After a period of time they broke up and he got a job in Vegas so he left. Months later she called him crying telling him that she was pregnant and that he was the father and that she wanted him to give her money. He talked to family and friends and they told him that it was probably not his as she had been with other guys since he had left. He told her that he would provide support if she got a paternity test and it was his child. She had a fit and then contacted his parents threatening them for money, which did not pan out for her.


About a year and a half later his mother saw a picture of his ex and the child posted on facebook she contacted my husband and told him the child looked like him. He contacted his ex and began to provide support to her and actually began somewhat of a relationship again. During this time she constantly made him feel guilty for bailing on his responsibilities to her and the child and continued to emotionally abuse him. It eventually came to a head and he asked again for her to take a paternity test, which she eventually consented too. It turned out the child was NOT his and she admitted that she had known it wasn’t his.


So after years of emotional abuse he meets me and we begin our relationship. We have had a great relationship until I received a phone call from his ex stating that he had been contacted her on and off our entire relationship before we got married. She sent me the emails and wow were they hurtful. He said that he still loved her and will always be there for her. There was nothing sexual in the emails and never had they had physical contact during this time. We had a long talk about the emails and he said that he did not mean what he said to her and he said he knew when he began dating me that he was still feeling guilt over the relationship and that he could not get over it. At the end of the emails she asks him for 5,000 dollars which is when he said that it finally clicked in his brain that she was in the wrong and he said he feels like he has closure and will never again attempt contact her.


Up until this point I never had reason to not trust my husband. He is no way a flirty guy and is very much shy and keeps to himself. Since her he had no other serious girlfriends so the player label definitely did not fit with him. I would never ever have seen this coming from him. Now to be fair I know for a fact that he has not had any contact since she asked him for the money.

Now here is the question... Having a BA in psychology I know that people in emotionally abusive relationships can become brainwashed. Could she have brainwashed him into feeling guilt over the problems in their relationship thus keeping him coming back to her so that she could use him again? Realistically I know this is possible, I just want an unbiased opinion based on the facts I have presented above.
Please Advise


Dear Should I Trust Him,

That’s what I will call you since you didn’t leave your name :)

Wow, she really put him through the ringer didn’t she? Your assessment of the situation couldn’t be more spot on. This girl obviously has issues of biblical proportion. She emotionally abused your husband and took advantage for as long as she could. And even after the DNA test results come back she had the nerve to ask him for more money?! I think the best thing about this whole situation, and I think you’ll agree, is that the baby was not his!


I can understand why you’re hurt over his exchanges with her. I would have a hard time trusting my fiancé if something such as this came to light. That would be a hard pill to swallow. The important thing is that you say you know for a fact he has not had contact with her since she so boldly asked for five grand.

You and I both know how abused individuals become brainwashed. Not only by their abusers but by their own guilt ridden minds as well as believing they need to be the nurturer and the problem solver. Up until the point he found out the baby wasn’t his, I am sure he felt the need to give her whatever she needed. He had always taken care of her and I am sure she made him feel as if she couldn’t make it without him. And I am also sure she threw in all the abusive ultimatums that she would kill herself or something to that effect. Hell, throw in the belief that he was going to be a father on top of all those sadistic, manipulative antics she used and he didn’t have a chance.

With your background, you should also know that in every case such as this, one day the light bulb just goes off. It appears, from what you tell me, that his is shining ever so brightly.

I know it’s hard to trust someone once they hurt you and it may take some time for him to prove that he is done with her. But now it’s time for the both of you to take a step forward and wash your hands of this person for good. Change your numbers, change your emails; do whatever it takes to be certain she gets the picture loud and clear. If your husband really is serious that he has seen the light shine down from the heavens upon him, he’ll do whatever it is you ask of him to build up that trust again.


All the best my friend,