She is a Victim of Domestic Violence

I am writing because I my cousin is a victim of domestic violence. She and her husband married young, she was 20 and he 21 at the time. The reason they married fast was because he was given the opportunity to go to the United States and wanted her to be by his side. At the time they had been dating for about 1 year--they were getting to know each other. This was a big decision for my cousin because her parents did not know about him and they wanted her to finish school.

Her husband went to her father and asked for my cousins hand and permission was granted. Now they are in the United States. They suffered the first year, being unemployed, but now, this being their 2nd year, they are a bit more stable...but not so much. My cousin has found out that her husband has a jealous...insecure nature. He abuses her verbally. He believes that because he is the man, she should not have much say in things. He does not like that she works and that she is going to school to learn English. He thinks that she is having an affair with someone (which is completely false). It got to the point where he wanted to kick her out of the house. The house that they both have worked hard to keep.

Now, they are living in the same house...but they do not talk. My cousin has tried...she is willing to give it another shot. He has to change his commanding ways. The thing I do not understand about him is that his father did the same thing to his mother...and she walked out on him. His mother told him to stop treating my cousin the way he does or she will walk out, he brushed her...he did not think he would lose her. Now I think he is afraid he will and is holding on tighter than he should...in the process fulfilling that which he does not want to happen. I do not know if he loves my cousin...

I want to believe that he does and that he will change. I do not think he knows what love is or what respect and equality in a relationship is. I am just 2 years younger than my cousin...I have never been in a relationship...I do not know how to guide her...I do not know what to say. I want her to be happy...I love my cousin and I cannot see her suffering like this. I wish they could be back together...I wish they could find the happiness that they once did in each other...why do people part this way?...It hurts me thinking about it. What could I tell her?....

Milana
NY, United States

Dear Milana,

I certainly feel for both you and your cousin. She, like many women in the United States and abroad, is a victim of domestic violence. Whether it’s verbal or physical it’s all the same; abuse. Your cousin’s husband is acting like a typical abuser. He is controlling, doesn’t want her to better herself, accuses her of cheating, and tightens the screws when some one on the outside brings it to his attention. These are all signs and symptoms that unfortunately will only worsen over time. So what can you do to help her...

Make sure your cousin knows that you will be by her side whether she stays with him or not (hopefully not). This is very important because if and when that light bulb goes off and she does decide to leave, she is going to need a soft place to land and make sure that she knows you are her soft place. It is also important she knows it is not her fault she is a victim of domestic violence. Make her aware she is not doing anything wrong by working or learning English. Actually, this will keep her in the real world where she can keep it in her mind that women are supposed to be treated with respect and not like dogs (Hell, I don’t even treat my dog like a dog, he is a part of the family).

Her husband is the “dog” in this situation (actually I can think of many better names for him of which I would tell him to his face). It also does not surprise me that he learned this all from his own father. That’s where many abusers learn their tactics; he has been brought up to believe that this is what love is and this is how you treat your wife. He will continue to exert control over everything she does and things will potentially get worse in time especially if he thinks she may leave him; it could escalate and he may get physically violent or try to scare her with threats, if he hasn’t already, to get her to stay. Depending on what he says or has said to her, it could be a crime in the state of New York.

Try to get your cousin alone for an evening. Educate her and yourself (it could help you in the future) on what it means to be a victim of domestic violence. Here is a great site http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/ and it has a lot of great articles, information, and resources available to her right in New York (such as he can not kick her out of their house; if he is charged with domestic violence, they may make him leave and she can get an order of protection). If, your cousin is not in New York with you, do a search on domestic violence in her state; every state has these same resources. These sites can help the both of you. She needs to know she is not alone and as a victim of domestic violence, she needs to know her rights. Read through it yourself before you talk with her; arm yourself with information.

But don’t press too hard and don’t come off to her as if you’re trying to fight a battle; you certainly don’t want her to seclude herself from you. If you’re uncomfortable with jumping right into a factual website you can get her to come over to watch a movie called “Sleeping With the Enemy” starring Julia Roberts (this one woke me up when I myself was a victim of domestic violence) just to get the ball rolling. It is a perfect depiction of how the life of a victim of domestic violence and how these relationships escalate (and sometimes terribly end). The way her husband is treating her is completely unacceptable and she deserves much better.

I know you want to see them be happy again and be like they were before and I know she loves him (I am sure he loves her too in a weird, twisted, I-am-the-king-and-you-are-here-to-serve-me sort of way) and she really wants this to work but unfortunately he is not going to change. I have seen too many terrible cases when I worked in the court system and I have experienced this a few times myself; I am of the firm belief that these men do not change. Some people are just wired differently and some men don’t think women are their equals and they NEVER will no matter how many “classes” you send them to. I really think your cousin’s husband is one of them.

Please watch the movie with her that I suggested and look at the website together; a victim of domestic violence rarely knows they are a victim until it is blatantly pointed out to them. Help her get out of this relationship safely and break the cycle of abuse. The more we know, the more empowered we become...

Eda

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