Should I Stay?

Dear Eda,

Hi. I'm 30 years old and have been with my husband for 9 1/2 yrs, married for 2. Recently there has been tension in our household and every time I ask him what the problem is he never answers. I've noticed he's been very quiet with me lately and just won't let me in to what's going on with him at all. He's been laid off for about a couple of months now but he's been using his time to coach youth football. He's even started having some friendly conversations with a female who works for the league quite frequently. Every time I enter the room and he's on the phone, he immediately goes to a different place in our home or goes outside. He talks on his phone to these people for hours but when he comes in the house he's completely quiet.

I've been working 2nd shift for a while and since the recent birth of our 4th child, I had to start thinking about working different hours so I can be at home with the kids because his schedule is so demanding, even though he's not working. Sometimes when I'm at work he doesn't feed the kids dinner, but he'll eat. I noticed some nights when I come home that our 3rd youngest son (who just turned 2) is in the bed without a pamper and he thinks that I shouldn't be mad at this type of behavior. I've told him that he has his priorities mixed up but anything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. I had a job interview today for a first shift position and he didn't wish me luck or anything when I left. When I tried to tell him about the outcome of the interview and if it should be a good fit for us he just looked at me with a blank expression and didn't offer any suggestions.

I don't know if it was the way he was brought up as a child that makes him act like this but it is tearing me up inside that he won't share anything personal or intimate with me. He's holding back his feelings toward me and I don't think I can take another year with him. Should I stay or should I let him go?

Angela
WI, United States

Dear Angela,

You are absolutely right that your husband has his priorities mixed up. It seems as if he has fallen into a selfish hole of self pity. Every one knows how hard it can be when one loses a job; especially men who are normally the “bread winners.” However, he is putting an awful lot of energy into coaching youth football when it isn’t even bringing in a paycheck. He should be putting more effort into finding a job!

So you have four kids (God love ya), you are trying to better yourself for your family (take the job if it is offered!), and he is neglecting the family as if he is some big CEO for a Fortune 500 company? It might be a little different if he were doing something constructive like WORKING 24/7.

I don’t have to tell you because I think you feel it; signs are there that he is involved with someone. Possibly, more than possibly, this female from the league. But you know what, that doesn’t really matter at this point. I always said a man can do what he wants to me, I can get over it, but when you start hurting my kid, we are going to have a serious problem. Do you really have to ask should I stay?

He has no respect for you and no desire to take care of his family because he wants to live some childhood fantasy that isn’t even putting food on the table. Really? How dare he neglect his children like he is! Eating and not feeding the kids; no diaper on the little one? And how dare he have such disregard and so little compassion for your efforts to keep your family together. Shame on him.

I know you have been together a long time. I know the thought of being on your own with four children probably scares the living hell out of you. But you can do this by yourself. Hell, you are doing right now aren’t you? It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who is going to make you miserable for the rest of your life. Take back control of your feelings and your life. You ask should I stay? Honestly, let him go before he drags you down with him.

You and your children deserve so much better.
Eda

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