Relationship Rebound

You gave me some good advice before about a relationship issue I was having. I'm hoping you can do so again. After a long talk, Denise, the woman I was involved with at the time, decided we were better as friends than romantically involved. Well, after a few months, Denise, more or less, pushed this other woman on me as a relationship rebound. The new girl's name was Heather. She was nice and everything, but she had a boyfriend. I didn't feel anything for her other than friendship, so I was fine with that.

To be perfectly honest, I was happy being single. I wasn't thinking about putting myself back in play at that time or even now. Well, Heather and I continued to talk for many months. Lately she and her boyfriend are going through a rough patch. As he puts it, she doesn't respect his need for "alone time" now and again. She even told me she was thinking about cheating on her boyfriend with a guy in her scuba class, but nothing happened with that.

In the last couple of months, Heather has told me she's starting to feel something for me, that she wishes I could be with her. Now here is where the problems start. Since her true relationship seems to be floundering, she has been spending more and more time with me, talking on Yahoo, calling me almost everyday, etc. This weekend is the first time I've had to myself in the last couple of weeks. I guess she's so attached to me because I'm nice to a fault or something, I don't know.

Anyway, all she talks about lately is "I love you, I miss you, I wish I could see you, etc." She's one of those 'spiritual/not religious' types. She did some tarot card readings about her relationship predicament this week and would tell me, "Oh, the cards said this," or "the cards said that," This bugs the crap out of me because I don't believe you should hang all your hopes on a bunch of silly cards. I realize now I may have messed up by humoring her for so long. Is it wrong that I am feeling this way now? Considering I dropped the ball, how can I tell her we need to slow down or that I'm not looking for anything serious the way she is without sounding like a complete beast?

Jason
Indiana, United States

Dear Jason,

Gotta love it when a friend, or ex, pushes you into being a couple with someone. Denise may think she was helping you out on this one You guys would make a great couple… when really it’s she’s pulled the old Here, get him out of my hair routine. Either way, I am glad to hear that you and Denise have come to realize the limits of your relationship (friendship). It’s even better to hear that you have taken the steps needed to heal and be comfortable being single. This means you have gained some much needed confidence and are happy and content with yourself. Win-Win!

Now, on with this Heather… Kudos to you for wanting to run for the hills on this one! This chick has some serious relationship rebound issues. She seems very needy as well as having some self esteem issues. And yes you are right, you should never humor someone when it comes to love; especially someone who is dealing with a rocky relationship. However, you can see the signs that there is no kind of future for you and this girl. Actually, I can tell she is already seriously getting on your nerves. The best thing to do is handle this in the best possible way before you get so perturbed with this girl that you blow up and really hurt her feelings.

I understand you don’t want to end up looking like a total tool; therefore, you should treat this situation with kid gloves. Do Not talk to her about this in public as there is the possibility she could make a huge scene and you will feel (and look) like an ass. Make this as private as possible.

Do Not tell her how you feel about all of her psychic mumbo jumbo; don’t even point out any little thing that you don’t like or speak any reason of why the two of you are not good for each other; some things are better left unsaid. You don’t want her to feel in any way that she is not good enough. After all, her boyfriend is already making her feel bad about herself otherwise she wouldn’t be looking to you for a relationship rebound. Don’t make her feel like you are rejecting her for anything she is doing wrong.

DO tell her that you are not ready to be in a relationship. Quite frankly, this has nothing to do with her. Explain to her it has taken you a while to be happy with yourself and that she should do the same thing. Which is the utter truth. She is not even out of her situation with her boyfriend. Explain to her a relationship rebound never works; she should be concentrating on herself. She may not like it, but she needs to hear it.

Mind you, she may still think you are a complete beast. But we can’t control how others feel about any situation. She may be hurt, but in the end you will know you did nothing wrong. It is never wrong to be honest and follow what your heart is telling you. It would turn out much worse if you kept stringing her along.

Lastly, do not let her guilt you into anything. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Just take care of this before you do. She will be O.K. (eventually). At any rate, it’s she is not your problem, she’s going to have to be a big girl and hopefully one day realize that no man is going to bring her happiness until she is happy with herself. Not your responsibility, so don’t make it yours.

Stay true to your heart and always be honest about it, you only have yourself to answer to…
Eda

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