Once You're on Your Own Happiness Follows

I stumbled on your website and I've got BIG problems. I need advice. I have been w/ my partner for 13 years now. The relationship started to fade 7 years ago and i fell out of love but stayed. One year ago, it got so unbearable that i left and moved out on my own. I ran into Gary at the grocery store after i moved out and Gary was a man i had met several years earlier. We both were attracted to each other at first sight but since i was in a relationship at the time, we didn't further the attraction until i ran into him that day. I invited him over and we got to talking and several days later....we both were so comfortable around each other that i asked him to move in with me. He did. I was doing odd jobs for my ex since i left and i continued until my ex found out that i was seeing Gary. Gary is his number one enemy now.

This gets complicated. Ok yes, i do drugs sometimes....i'm not a junkie and Gary is known around town as a crack-head. I felt like i was ALIVE for the first time in my love life. Gary and myself both couldn't stay out of the bedroom. We spent all my money and i wound up broke. Since Gary has no job, i could not support us on what i make and my ex was now in the picture and angry at me. The ex said i will kick Gary out and we can move back to our place as roommates. I said yes, since i was financially broke.

Gary was kicked out and wound up on the street. I was back w/ my ex and miserable. During the month that Gary and I were together, the feelings started getting real for both of us and he said many things to me that made me believe he was in love with me. I have no doubt that he is in love w/ me. A month went by after i moved back in w/ ex and Gary started calling me on my cellphone. I finally agreed to see him behind my ex's back. Now Gary is living w/ a friend who has taken him in and lets him stay in the living area of his house. Gary still has no job and is banking on having a lawsuit settled and getting SS for his depression and lupus. So everytime i go to see Gary, he needs something...alchohol, cigarettes and yes sometimes drugs. Not everytime because of course i have to put my foot down. My ex left town for a week and Gary decided to get serious with me. We saw each other every day and the old feelings came back again in fact, they never left. This past month my ex found out that i was seeing Gary behind his back and my life went from happy to miserable. My ex is verbally abusing me and like i said,....it's just miserable.

I like to lead a comfortable life, money is plenty with my ex and i get everything i want. Even though the ex and i are living as roommates, the ex says he will take care of me forever. That's if i stay. The friend of Gary's has a roommate who pays rent but will be moving out at the end of December. Gary told me he talked to his friend who agreed that Gary and I can now rent the room once the roommate leaves. I am in love with Gary, but i have this feeling that he is using me. He knows what my income status is but doesn't care....he says we can make it. He has several ideas to make money and start businesses which appeals to me but i don't like to just fly without wings. I need stability financially. I don't like running out of money. I don't want to be stuck with having to buy Gary's alchohol on a daily basis and spending what little i have on that. I don't like saying No to Gary because he is broke and he acts like he needs stuff. Also, i hate to get graphic, but i'm gay and Gary is bi. And Gary is packing down there and anal sex is not something i want alot. Gary says that i will have to give it up and i have but i can't deal w/ that big thing ALL the time. What do i do? Do i drop my comfortable life to go live w/ a guy that i'm in love with? I am scared to move on to another life, where uncertainty abounds. Gary is not a rebound.....We are totally in love and trust each other, but i just hate turning him down on things he needs. It all comes down to money i guess. I don't know. PLEASE Eda, can you help me figure this out?

Thanks,
Greg

Dear Greg,

There are so many things wrong with this situation on so many levels I’m not quite sure where to begin. But let’s break this down as best we can shall we? Your ex: After 13 years of misery you fell out of love and moved on your own. This was about the sanest thing you did; how good did it feel to be on your own? The insane part is you went back (you can say your roommates but believe me HE doesn’t think so)! Sure you love being cared for; you love the fact that you can rely on him financially and he says he will take care of you forever, if you stay. Well my friend, it’s not just “if you stay” it’s more like “if you bow down to his every want and need” in the meantime making yourself miserable as you are finding out.

People who offer complete financial support do not do it out of love for you and because they worship the ground you walk on (well maybe on very rare occasions, but not likely). They do it because they want to maintain control over each and every aspect of your life. You have a need that they can supply; but in order to get it you must sell your soul to the devil, so to speak. Is it worth really worth it? What if you were able to financially care for yourself on your own? How much better would you feel?

Now onto the crackhead… (sorry but you pointed it out). This guy has issues of biblical proportions. Is he using you? No more than you are using your “ex”. So you say you sometimes use drugs recreationally; I’m not one to judge but obviously Gary has quite a problem. It’s one thing to get loose once in a while (that is for us people who are contributing members of society who actually take care of themselves on your own and work for a living) but you are doing nothing more than enabling Gary to be the least he can be. You're not even doing this on your own; it seems to be at the expense of your ex!

If you really cared for Gary you would help him get a grip on his life rather than help him destroy it. You say you love him? Prove it. You haven’t put your foot down; I think you get the complete opposite from him that you do from your ex and it’s exciting for you. Sex, drugs, and no responsibility… Your ex (although maybe a control freak) at least seems to have it together. Gary is a train wreck. And you are looking for that happy medium.

Quite honestly, I don’t believe either of them can bring you happiness. Furthermore, how fair is all of this to them? You stay with your ex and use him for his money but yet you want Gary because it’s exciting and an adrenaline rush when you’re with him.

Greg, you are never going to find a happy medium with either of these individuals. You have gone from one extreme to the next. You need a healthy balance; both of them have traits that you are looking for in a soul mate. The one thing you fail to realize is that until you have that balance within yourself, you will never find it in someone else until you can do it on your own.

Until you can take care of yourself, until you can be content with yourself you will not be happy. Leave this situation! It is toxic; it is beyond toxic. You need to be on your own for a while. Learn to stand on your own two feet; be comfortable on your own terms so that you do not have to depend on anyone to make sure that you are as comfortable as you need to be. Learn to live ON YOUR OWN!

Leave the ex and STOP enabling Gary! Learn to live well on your own. You are the master of your domain; don’t be a servant. As for Gary, I know you care for him; but he has to change on his own. We can’t help people who refuse to help themselves and we definitely can not help them until we ourselves are in a position to do so. You are not in that position yet. It may take you a while but, get well with yourself; take care of yourself; depend upon yourself. Only then can you even begin to help anyone else; that is if they are able to be helped.

Take control… once you do you will have the power to simply dismiss drama from your life. Find your own self worth and you will always be able to walk away from those who mean you harm…

Keep me updated and all the best to finding yourself,
Eda

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