Long Distance Relationship

Dear Eda,

Your advice is needed pretty urgently because after 10 months of going back and forth with my boyfriend (now ex) on this situation, time is now running out.

I am 20 and my boyfriend is 21. We had been together for over a year when he went and interviewed for and got a job 3,000 miles away, which would start when he graduated from university. It’s an amazing opportunity and it’s a great start to his career.

However, he didn’t tell me what he was up to until he had been offered the job and had accepted it. I was understandably very upset and we spent the next several months going back and forth on whether or not we should continue a long distance relationship. The contract was for 2 years but he wasn’t sure if he’d stay longer and pursue his master’s degree in the same city. Our relationship had been pretty great up until then. We’re both really motivated people, love a lot of the same things, were really physically attracted to each other, liked each other’s family and friends, etc.

He finally told me that he wanted to stay together for the moment and break up in the summer before he left for his new job. He felt it would be just too difficult with his long hours and the time difference to keep anything meaningful going. There was no way I was going to fall even more in love with the guy and then lose him months later so I broke up with him right after Christmas. I honestly felt he wanted me to do the breaking up to save him the dirty work.

He ended up taking it really badly. He wanted to get back together right away but still maintained his position of breaking up when he left. I kept re-iterating that if he wanted a long distance relationship and would be back in 2 years I would get back together with him and otherwise no way. He still said no, but wanted to be with me until he left. This went back and forth for months with no resolution.

In the meantime, I started having fun again, meeting guys, having casual dates and feeling better in general after having my heart absolutely broken. He also dated but said he could only think about me and they mean nothing to him.

Now, after all these months he has decided that he wants to get back together, do the long distance relationship thing and come back in 2 years. If he had said this a while back I would have jumped back into his arms, but now I am going on exchange to another country next year and am not sure if I want to have a boyfriend during this time. I told him we should take a year, stay in touch and even visit each other occasionally and re-visit the situation then. If we are still madly in love we can get back together and do the long distance thing for a year.

I’m crazy about him and we get along great when we’re not arguing about this. I think we could have a great future and can totally see myself married to him in 5 years or so. He says if I don’t agree to be with him he’s moving away and moving on. I’m so conflicted!

Kristy
Ontario, Canada

Dear Kristy,

Let me first commend you for making the decision to break it off with him. This took a good amount of courage and strength in knowing what you what. For that you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and you know exactly what you want.

I do not blame you for breaking up with him at all. Hell, he was going to do it when he left any way right? Furthermore, ya think he might have mentioned the job offer to you?! Maybe he didn’t wanna do all the “dirty work”; either way, you did what you had to do to protect yourself and move on from an inevitable situation.

NOW he wants to do get back together but still break up when HE is ready? Is he serious???? He has seen that you can have a good time without him. He was dead set on breaking things off and there was no chance of a long distance thing and now he is having a change of heart and wants you back, but only for now. Oh, wait he changed his mind again and he is willing to have a long distance relationship? Don’t do it!

You made it a point to tell him you wanted him and you could work this all out no matter how far away you are from each other; he wanted nothing to do with it. He still wanted to have his cake and eat it too (while he was home anyway). Relationships do not work that way. You either choose to stay together through thick and thin no matter what or you move on.

You chose to move on. And by the sounds of it you’re having a decent time doing it. Which you should! You’re only 20 years old. These are supposed to be the best times of your life. Experience things; you’re going to study in another country next year and that is wonderful. You already know there is so much more out there. And… there are so many more people (and men) that you will meet. Don’t limit yourself now because he can’t handle it until he leaves when he will be blind to your happiness with out him.

Regardless of whether he did it in a few months or you did it now, one of you was going to take it badly. No one likes to be on the receiving end of a break up. Quite frankly, wouldn’t you rather it be him than you?

Why would you take him back with open arms knowing that he will break up with in a few months anyway? Yes, he will. That doesn’t even make an ounce of sense. Does he even hear himself when he says this to you?

Honestly, Kristy, I opt for moving on right now. he is too wishy washy right now. I do not believe he knows what he wants. Why put yourself in a position where you are banging your head against the wall and crying in your wine six months from now with a broken heart due to his ignorance and blatant disregard for what YOU want. Either that, or you regret a long distance relationship while you watch all your friends experience everything life has to offer...

For what ever reason he obviously has an ego and hates the fact that you made a decision for yourself with out his help; That’s pretty arrogant on his part. Don’t let this be his decision again by taking him back knowing what the future very possibly holds.

You are young, just be young and live your life. Trust me; there is plenty of time for conflict in the future…