Letting Go

by Theresa Jackson
(Sandusky, Ohio USA)

I was fifteen years old, I met my best friends brother in law, and I fell head over heals in love! He was 22 years old and getting married to this really horrible ugly lady. (Sorry trying to be nice). I had told my best friend if he ever came up single to let me know. Ten years latter, as I was going through my divorce, my friend called and said that her brother in law was single. He had been separated from his wife for a year, and he and the girl he dated split. So I went over and him and I hit it off instantly. We were together for seven years.

We had good times and bad times but the one thing we always could say was that we loved each other. We never went to bed angry. Things in our relationship fell apart because where we lived the economy was very bad. Jobs were dropping like flies. I begged him to move to a different part of the state so that we could find jobs and have a better life, but he couldn't leave because of his children with his ex-wife. After our daughter passed away, I didn't beg anymore, I packed up my children and I and said goodbye. I moved my children and I to where my sister lived. I ended up with a great job as an accountant’s assistant.

I missed my ex everyday. I was going down to our hometown and seeing him; till I found out he was back with his ex-wife trying to take care of his children with her. Him and I were good because I helped him take care of his children. We had his children majority of our relationship because his ex-wife was not a very good mother. I tried to move on and stop talking to him for like three months. I started to date someone that was my age.

I received a phone call around the anniversary of our daughter’s death from his sister in law. She begged me and pleaded with me to talk to him, that he was a wreck and needed me. She told me I am the only one he ever loved and I would always have his heart. This is something I heard my entire relationship from his family and himself. I called behind my new boyfriends back. I spoke to my ex. I was sad, he begged and pleaded for me to come home and make things right. I told him that I couldn't because I made a life for me and mine where I am. We kept talking to each other after that conversation. I think for the sake of our sanities.

It always comes down to what we miss about each other. I have feelings for my boyfriend that I met in my new town, but I still have feelings for my ex. He was the one. I am confused because my relationship with my boyfriend is not going anywhere. It is a really distant relationship in the facts that there is no future there. My ex is begging me to come home, I know I cant move from where I am at but I need to do something. I miss him and with him we were a family, everything was even. We didn't have separate everything we shared everything, we had a life together.

I am not sure if I should just let go of my ex, or make a move. If I have to let go of him what do I do. I am tired of crying, I am tired of being depressed. All I want is my family back. HELP!!!


Dear Theresa,


Let me start by saying I am so sorry about your daughter; I can’t even imagine suffering such a loss. It sounds as if the two of you had a really good relationship while you were together. It also seems as if circumstances got the best of you both. I understand you moving away to do the best for you and your children. I also empathize with him in the fact that he felt the need to stay for his children.

I usually do not believe that exes can work things out years later, but because your situation is so much different, there may exist some hope. However, there are many things to consider and other things that should happen first…

First, your current boyfriend… having feelings for someone is one thing. Knowing it isn’t going anywhere is an entirely different story. BUT, you must decipher whether things aren’t working REALLY, or are you having second thoughts because you can’t stop thinking about your ex and he wants you back. Two very distinctly different things.

If you have made a good life for yourself and have a good job, you should only make a move back home if there is an opportunity waiting for you (and no, I don’t mean your long lost love). As you know this economy sucks! Unfortunately. Good jobs are very hard to come by. If you are doing well right now, think long and hard about giving it all up; not just for you, but for your kids. I understand you love this man and have for a long time. I also know how hard it can be to not want to take a leap of faith and give it another chance. But what is his current situation?

If he is in a really bad place right now, how can you help by risking losing everything you have worked so hard for? If things are so bad for him there, why can’t he come to you? His children don’t live with him right? Not saying it would be easy for him to move away but I assume “home” is still in Ohio correct? We’re not talking about a very big state here. Hell, the most you have to drive between city to city (or should I say town or villiage?) is 3 hours tops? I should know, I live here too! Maybe, if this is something you both truly want to try again, it may be best for him to make a move and start over. It all depends on which one of you has more to lose. Does that make sense?

I could elaborate more if I had details about what is going on with him. This isn’t an easy decision no matter how you shake a stick at it. Just don’t give up everything you worked so hard for on the mere chance of a reconciliation. He’s in a bad place right now and quite frankly he’s a big boy and can take care of himself. He doesn’t need you. He needs to get his life together; he can’t possibly ask you to give up everything you have created in order to clean up his mess. This doesn’t mean you can’t be there for him and be his friend…

You have a lot to contemplate Theresa, I hope I have at least helped put things in better perspective for you. Remember, your main concern is you and your children. While I am sure you care for him and don’t want to see him struggle, he is not your responsibility.

Be there for him, but take care of you and yours first and foremost and don’t do anything to jeopardize your success and security. You accomplished that all by yourself without his help, I am sure he can do the same without yours…