Is She Keeping me on a Leash?

Ask Eda...: Okay, for one I have never ending questions so what I'm about to say will probably have thirty million questions. I fell in love with the most wonderful woman on the planet. We dated for two years in high school and have been very close. I almost feel like.. like its hard to share how much I care about her right now becuase nonstop for the last month my life has been torture. She claims that we broke up becuase its the best for us and I agree with her. It truly has exposed my issues, but the problem is I have no idea who she is anymore. She does not act even close to the wonderful girl I first fellin love with. I believe it all started back when my junior year began. We started to fight a lot becuase we were deeply into fall activities and AP classes for school. Basically we went from never ever fighting in the summer to fighting constatnly. She finally had enough and broke up with me in september. Not even twelve hours later I was foolish enough to take her back after I had learned NOTHING! Yes, it was very foolish, but sometimes you just cant explain certain things when you love someone no matter how foolish they are. When we got back together... I just couldnt handle how much pain she had put me through especially by all of her friends. So, like an idiot, I held it against her. I constantly, incessantly drove her mad by the reminder of "wellyou screwed up." Theres not a day that goes by that I want to smack myself in the face becuase of how foolish I was. Im just indifferent about things right now. I was numb, but now I feel like being mindless of things is the most successful attempt of coping with my pain. But, I have severe anxiety issues... i mean i pull my hair out worrying about everything... and according to the one i love, I pushed her away. I know that its absolutely true I pushed her away... but the problem is she didnt communicate with me or I was an idiot who didn’t listen, which i am biased about becuase I think I listened but of course, youcant comprehend everything.

The main point is that is been a month tomorrow since she broke up with me and Im stuck. I want her back so badly, i want to forgive her but i know that im human and therefore not perfect... but id do anything for her. Im stuck between to unstable mind sets. Becuase i love her, I see her as pretty much perfect. I know all the hurtful things shes done to me but i cant tell if shes keeping me around on a leash to control me. She says its for the best because we needed time apart to fix our problems. But all my friends and even my mother (becuase shes awesome) have told me that they either cant tell how she is or that i need to move on. but i just cant seem to move on, and honestly i dont want to at all.

I planned my future, my life, my everthing around her. you can ask me the names of our future children the ring size she wears and anything you want about her becuase i know it. but theres one thing i dont know, its if shes controling me on a leash, or shes waiting for her to get out of high school. She has said things such as, "I thought there was nothing between us right now" or "Its up to you to move on" or "you dont have to kill our future" or "I love you but I dont want a relationship right now." one thing thats floored me is that she has talked about meeting other people. she said, "it doesnt matter if we date others becuase if we get back together they wont matter." I have a problem with this becuase i dont want anyone but her. I did push her away and worry her to death becuase of my worry/anger. but is it worth pursuing a person who isnt necessisarily waiting for you? i have a problem becuase shes said that she wont date me until aftershe graduates this year but the reason i have a problem is because i feel like she left me so she could go hang out with her friends, enjoy her senior year, and party it up. I know its scary to go out into the world, but do u have to party like theres no tomorrow? I dont want her to come back to me when all her friends have scattered across the country for college and she has no one to talk to. Im worried that thats why shes been telling me it was best for us. How can you say, "i dont want to be with you now, but someday in the future i may come back if god permits it." Yes i feel like this break up was good becuase it improved me, but did i really fall in love with a controling woman? i dont want to be there for her becking call but i want her back. I know she had to deal with tons of things becuase her friends since second grade have always been jealous of me. Its a fact. (im not trying to sound all knowing but its been pointed out multiple times.) So far shes ignored me, talked to other boys (she claims as friends) told me to go away, told me shes love me though, but doesn’t know if she wants me. I dont know if im supposed to wait, becuase trust me, id wait forever just to see her. But idk how im going to tell if shes truelysorry, or truely using me.

She said she misses me at times, but the problem is its "at times." She says she doesnt want to start a relationship that failed just yet, but it wasnt a failure completely. I daily told her she was beautiful, i bought her things, she told me she loved me, i mean... i did do stuff wrong but i just dont know who she is. Im a christian (not perfect at all) but idk what god wants me to do. he says to forgive and love, but i cant be tossed around like a rag doll and only be used when needed, can i? i just really dont know whats really going on. i feel like shes making me a back up plan, but then the other side is that shes taking the time to change and relax till her senior year is over. but not caring to wait, not talking to me, saying we'll meet others maybe, and saying "well idk when we will get back together if we might get back together" means. I feel like a blubbering idiot but i just want some help. i want to know what i need to do to be happy.

TJ
Indiana

Dear TJ,

Boy you do have some questions don’t you? Quite some time ago, high school sweethearts would stay together and live long and happy lives. Unfortunately, we no longer live in this whimsical fantasy world anymore. Not to say that this doesn’t still happen from time to time, but it’s becoming less likely. It’s a big, big world out there and more and more people are trying different things and trying to find themselves.

I understand you are hurting due to your recent breakup; it always hurts when you find out the one you love does not feel the same about you. But it is time for you to pull yourself up by your boot straps and look at this whole thing for what it really is:

You think she may be “keeping me on a leash and controlling” you? How about you are the sad little puppy following her around. People only treat us how we allow them to. She is obviously trying everything in her power to soften the blow of the breakup (at least we can hope she is not being manipulative). If she is trying to save you from embarrassment or from breaking your heart even more (she could just be trying to keep egg off her face), she is going about this the wrong way. Although she may think she is helping you by saying the things she does, in reality she is giving you nothing but false hope.

“Is it worth pursuing a person who isn’t necessarily waiting for you?” You tell me… does that sound like a silly question to you? Of course it’s not worth it! Because you’re going to put your life on hold for some fairytale that isn’t going to happen while she is out there living her life to the fullest. This isn’t a romantic movie with a happy ending; this is your life and your heart. So she’s partying it up and dating people; this is exactly what you should be doing. If that isn’t your style so be it; but don’t chastise her for choosing a different path. She’s finding out that there is much more out there to life and she is not going to want to settle down with you and start a family any time soon. I do believe she cares about you but she is growing. People grow apart every day for different reasons.

You say “I don’t want to be there for her beckon call but I want her back” and God “says to forgive and love, but I can’t be tossed around like a rag doll and only be used when needed, can I?” I don’t know… can you? I sure wouldn’t. This is simply a choice you have to make. You can allow her to use you at her disposal or you can realize that it just isn’t meant to be and in the future give your undivided attention to someone who will reciprocate. This doesn’t mean you can’t forgive her and still care for her… and maybe even down the road be amicable.

“I know that its absolutely true I pushed her away... but the problem is she didn’t communicate with me or I was an idiot who didn’t listen, which I am biased about because I think I listened but of course, you can’t comprehend everything.” At least you realize what YOU did wrong! So what do you do? Move on with your life! It’s going to hurt and it’s going to truly suck for a while. But you are entirely too young to wait around for the inevitable.

A first love heartbreak can be brutal. Take everything that you have experienced and learned and become a better man because of it; another woman in your future will be quite grateful for your ex’s decision I am sure.

With each new experience we grow to better ourselves and our lives…
Eda

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