Is there any hope?

by Anonymous
(Somewhere)

I am a freshman student in college this year, and last semester I met a boy and we started talking and eventually we started dating in October. We had a relatively good relationship. We liked a lot of the same things and although we had small disagreements we never had full blown fights or arguments. Sometimes I would be reluctant to tell him for the sake of avoiding drama, but he would always say, "if something was bothering me wouldn't you want me to tell you so we could work it out?"

It came as such a surprise to me when about a week ago he told me out of the blue that he wants to break up. He told me in the past week his feelings have faded and although he could still be with me and not be completely miserable, it wouldn't be fair to me because part of him would still really want to be single. He told me he doesn't know what he wants anymore and that there were just little things that bothered him, such as the fact that he was "too secure" in our relationship and doesn't like that he always knew he would be the one to leave me. Or that I don't have an ambition in life (his is to start a business and I don't even have a major yet).

He also would have preferred not to see me as often as he did because then I wouldn't have made him such a big part of my life. I was so hurt because he said these were little things and he always wanted to know what was bothering me, but he never told me these things that bothered him. I was never even given a chance to fix them. We only dated for three and a half months, so I don't think he's the love of my life or anything, but I wasn't ready for it to end and he is still really important to me.

Starting college in a new city, we became each other's best friend here and now it's really hard to see him go. I would still really like to date him, and I know he has some feelings for me still. The other day he asked my roommate how I was doing because when he broke up with me I "called him a ton of times and he's really worried." I called him twice the day he dumped me and twice the day after and I have not attempted to contact him again for about a week and a half. We ran into each other on campus a couple times and exchange short, friendly conversations but that has been the extent of our contact for a week now. He was the one to initiate conversation in both instances and I always made an effort to make him see how great I'm doing and how much fun I'm having and that my life goes on without him. So I don't understand why he's asking my roommate if I'm doing ok because he's so worried.

Of course, she told him I'm doing great and she said he seemed relieved to hear so. I was also hurt to find out though that he had a huge hickey on his neck, meaning he's already gone out and hooked up with another girl not even a week after he broke up with me!

I also found out that he's been talking to his ex before me on the phone a lot lately, but she lives across the country so I know they won't be hooking up or anything. He dated her for a shorter time than he dated me, but he also thought that he loved her but he broke up with her. He insisted he was over her. I've been talking to some of my guy friends and they say he's already hooked up with a girl because he misses me and that's what guys do and that it's kind of important that he initiated contact with me the couple times we've run into each other (the first time I was facing the other way so he could have kept walking and I wouldn't have even see him).

I've also read up on how to get your ex back using reverse psychology by not talking to them for three weeks or so and by changing your life and going out and having fun. So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for a week and a half now. Another thing I should mention is that last month his father passed away from cancer. Some people (including my therapist) say that maybe my ex pulled away from me out of grief for his father. Others think that maybe it was that he had started to become to emotionally attached to me and after what happened with his ex from before me, he might be scared.

Last night I might have really messed up because I was drinking with some friends and I called my ex’s roommate who ended up putting my ex on the phone to talk to me! That was not my intention when I called. We had a short conversation that was relatively friendly, when I said, “please put your roommate back on the phone. I called to talk to him, not you.” I then asked his roommate if he wanted to play a video game with me, but he said he was busy and couldn’t. He then proceeded to ask my ex if he would like to play with me! To which my ex said yes! I was so excited to hear that I could play the game that I told them I’d be right over and then hung up.

It was then that I realized I should not go over there because it would ruin my no contact attempt. My roommate called her boyfriend to ask what I should do and he told me not to call them back, not to go over there, and to just go to bed. So that’s what I did. I guess my questions are: do these reverse psychology tactics really work? Why is he calling his ex all the time now? Does he really miss me? Does it sound like we might still have a chance together or is he just done for good? And have a royally screwed myself over for drunk dialing his roommate?

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Oh sweetie, what you are experiencing is sooo common among your age. Trust me, been there. Many, many times! Of course, I didn’t go to college right away and was a bartender in my early twenties. But, yep, the games are played everywhere….

When a guy tells you everything you want to hear for a spell and then breaks up with you out of the blue, you should basically chalk it off to, “It’s been real, it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.”

He said his feelings have “faded” but seriously, men don’t develop feelings this quickly. Not like we do (or so we THINK we do sometimes). This is nothing personal against you. It’s only been 3 months, you shouldn’t have to fix anything yet!

I understand how you feel he is (was) your best friend and being in a new city, you need one. So find a NEW one. A woman preferably!

Of course he’s going to ask your roommate if your “o.k.” Really? Men have egos the size of the penis' they wish they had. When men break up with us and we go on about our lives, it kills them! He is just trying to save face. He knows your o.k. but he wants everyone else to think your on the verge of a break down and he is really concerned.

As for calling his roommate… if you’re friends with him then you should be able to be straight with him. Tell him if you call, not to give your ex the phone under ANY circumstance. If he can’t respect your wishes, he’s not much of a friend and he’s playing the same game your ex is. One more thing… NEVER drink and dial!

Now, I am sorry his father recently passed. That is a terrible thing for anyone to deal with. However, this is where I call bullshit! I totally disagree with your therapist and others. He didn’t pull away from you because of losing his father. Hell, his ex didn’t even last as long as you. He is showing a pattern of a typical college guy who is not ready for a commitment. Although he is completely going about it the wrong way. Then again, not many men his age understand the concept of being players and being HONEST about it. Maybe he could learn a thing or two from me as well :) ☺

So to answer you specific questions…

“Do these reverse psychology tactics really work?”

Not really, but I guess it depends on the situation (in other words, don’t waste your money)…

“Why is he calling his ex all the time now?”

Who the hell cares? Maybe she wasn’t looking for the same thing you are and they are still able to be friends. There could be a slew of explanations.

“Does he really miss me?”

I am sure he enjoyed his time with you but he wasn’t looking for the same thing you are right now. Though, he should have been honest about it. But then again, if he was honest about it, would you have dated him? Hence, a man’s propensity to lie.

“Does it sound like we might still have a chance together or is he just done for good?”

Again, who the hell cares if he is done for good? You on the other hand, should be!

“And have a royally screwed myself over for drunk dialing his roommate, even though we’re friends and I did not call with the intent of talking to my ex?”

For God’s sake, we have ALL made those drunk ass calls at some point or another. Don’t worry so much about it, really!

So, what to do now? Have fun, be friends with his roommate, be nice to him when you see him, and let it go. You have so much more to look forward in life and so many men who will appreciate you and be honest with you.

If you decide to see him again demand from him a definition. If your going to be fuck buddies, so be it. If your going to be friends with benefits o.k. But only BOTH of you can define what you have. He doesn’t get to lie and manipulate the situation and decide for the both of you until things don’t go his way.

Honestly, I would leave it alone. He’s already playing too many games. It’s not worth the stress. You already have enough of that right?

The problem with men like him is, they think they won’t be able to hook up with women if they're honest about what they want. In reality, that’s all we want. Then we get to decide for ourselves if we enter into any type of relationship with them whether it’s completely sexual or platonic or meaningful.

He has to put on a façade to get a woman like you, A. that tells me your very desirable in many aspects and B. He’s a complete douchbag. Hopefully, (for the sake of the future women in his life) he’ll grow out of it.

Quit selling yourself short, there will be others who will be well worth the wait!