Enough is Enough!
Well I started talking to this guy in December. I met him in college. I am a freshman, and he is a junior. I'm 19, and he's 24. He broke up with his girlfriend last summer. So almost a year ago.. Yet, somehow, she keeps getting in the picture. We are now dating since March 10th.. almost 2 months.. but we were "together" the past few months. It was basically like we were dating just hadn't made it "official".
He went out with his ex girlfriend on and off for 7 years, supposedly. Anyway.. here's the problem. His ex girlfriends little sister comments his facebook page saying she misses him "brother-in-law". He has a new girlfriend, why is his ex gf's little sister still calling him brother in law? She's 15, she knows better. He just tells me "baby we used to call eachother that when me and my girlfriend went out, thats all it is." Then there is always his ex girlfriends cousins/friends commenting on his page basically disrespecting me. He had a status "i love my baby" and his ex's cousin wrote "GAY -_-". Things like this may seem small, but after awhile, enough is enough. He never said anything to them to stop or anything. He says he wants to talk to her "as little as possible, to ignore it"
His ex girlfriend came over in the beginning of March for her birthday. My boyfriends mom wanted to have her over for a birthday dinner. The ex girlfriend a few weeks before that, went to my boyfriends grandmother's surprise party. Now, today.. his ex girlfriend brought over a mother's day gift for his mom.
Enough is enough. Why is she still in the picture?? From the moment we started talking, til now.. she's still somehow getting into the picture. His mom and his ex girlfriend have grown a friendship bond. We seem to always get into a fight when she is brought up. He tells me to be honest, that she came over with a gift, and all that.. And i respect that. He always tells me, and doesn't hide things. He tells me that his mom and her relationship, has nothing to do with him. He wants nothing to do with her, and their relationship shouldn't affect me and him.
I told him that it bother's me.. And i think he should tell her that he'd appreciate it if she stopped coming over.. and bringing his mom gifts, that she doesn't have any business still doing this.. That the relationship is over.. and that he has moved on and has a new girlfriend (which she knows). Is that too much to ask for??? I just want him to say something to her. But he refuses. He says he doesn't want to talk to her, their relationship doesnt affect him.. or us.. that it shouldnt be a problem.. blah blah blah.
What should i do?? I DO trust him, i KNOW he loves me. But why isn't he doing anything??? Why isn't she out of the picture?? Why can't he say something to her for me?? If he loves me.. why is that so much to ask?? All he has to do is say something to her.. and all the fights will stop. If it's bothering me.. why won't he do this?? Part of me believe he doesn't want to let go of her all the way.. just in case me and him don't work out.. that he can't let go of her because he DOES still like her.
We've only been going out 2 months so far.. but together since december. What should I do??? Help me please!!!Confused Girl
Dear Confused Girl,
You’re right, enough is enough! There are a few people to blame here and I will go into each one specifically…
Your boyfriend… granted, the two of you have been together for only two months. However, he should respect your feelings on the ex girlfriend hanging onto his family for dear life. Whether it is simply because she has developed a certain friendship with his mom, or because she is hoping for some kind of reconciliation with your beau; either way this is unacceptable. Enough is enough... The fact that you have voiced your concerns to him be plenty for him to take action (if he wants to keep you around anyway.)
The ex girlfriend… she is acting out of pure jealousy. She is rubbing the fact of her “special closeness to the fam” in your face; shame on her! I am sure over that many years of dating him she has developed a bond with mom and grew close to his family as a whole but like you said, that chapter is now closed. There is no excuse for what she is doing. She is digging her claws in just to make you feel inferior. Yes, enough is enough but guess what? You have him! So the joke’s on her.
The mom… this is the one person who should really know better and shame on her too! She obviously has grown fond of the ex girlfriend and if she wants to maintain a friendship with her so be it, but not at your cost. She should not be inviting the ex over for birthday parties and other family functions when she is fully aware her son has someone new in his life.
What to do? First stop demanding he talk to the ex. If he doesn’t want to talk to her he shouldn’t have to. Men are not good at confrontation anyway. They would rather ignore the problem hoping that somehow it will all clear up on its own. He should however talk to his mother. He needs to explain to her that he is no longer with this girl and never will be again. He should further explain how uncomfortable it makes him and you to have the ex involved in things she shouldn’t be. It’s awkward and quite frankly disrespectful. If he explains this mom, she should bend over backwards to make her son happy. If she wants to still have the ex in her life she can do it without making waves. And if she is like most mothers, she will do anything to make her son happy.
As far as the comments on Facebook, again, enough is enough… childish and inappropriate. He needs to just remove the comments as they are posted. No need to say anything to anyone. If he just removes them as they are posted, everyone will begin to get the idea that it is unacceptable and stop doing it. You can’t control other people but you can control how you react to things they do. No need to send nasty comments back or tell someone how out of line they are. Trust me, removing their comments is actually a very effective way of making them feel like an idiot and they will think before posting next time.
Finally, approach him with these suggestions by telling him how much this really bothers you. It’s hurtful, disrespectful, and he should stand up for you. If he cares about you, respects you, and is hoping for any future with you, he will be willing to talk to his mom and simply delete comments. This is a very simple and non evasive way of taking care of the problems. Just because he doesn’t think it is an issue, doesn’t mean he should ignore it.
You need to consider if enough is enough with him... If he can’t stand up for you and have consideration for how you’re feeling about all this, he may not be worth the headache and frustration…
Good luck sweetie, I hope it works out
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