Bad Boy Complex

Eda,

Well, I'm going to start off by saying I have had one disastrous relationship after another. Granted, it's because I have a complete fascination with the standard "bad boy", if you don't have a wrap sheet then there's a chance I won't like you. I'm 21 years old, living on my own, and have a full time job. I also go out and party with my friends on a regular basis. I'm juggling two separate lives right now.

My last awful experience happened these past couple months. I started dating this guy and things happened pretty smoothly… and quickly. I started going there every day after work and staying there - I pretty much was moved in, I hadn't slept at my own home in over a month. Anyways, he would never call me his girlfriend only "his girl" because he said he was burned in the past and hated labels. He's 22. Grow up right?

Anyways, I noticed he was texting an awful lot and confronted him. It happened to be his ex girlfriend he dated for 3 years. I told him I couldn't deal with that because it was making me insecure. He said he wouldn't stop, we broke up - the standard story. A day later his ex moved back in.

Here's the catch...my roommate dates his roommate and they all are best friends. My roommate’s boyfriend and my ex have been harassing me to get over this whole thing and be their friends! They want my ex and his current girlfriend to come over! I'm like why should I! Am I being a big baby? I still care about him...if anything I want him back. How do I get over my bad boy complex? Make my roommate happy? Stop the harassment from the boys? And still find my own happiness? HELP!!

Hopeless in Sandusky
Ohio, United States

Hopeless in Sandusky,

Ah the bad boy complex... (had this myself once). Treat me like shit, I’ll follow you forever. You’re not the first and you certainly won’t be the last to go through this. And unfortunately there is not too much advice anyone can give you (although there is some, wait for it...) to get away from being attracted to these types of men. I am sure all your friends already tell you, “You’re smart, pretty, and have so much going for you and that loser doesn’t deserve you...” Right? You need to realize that you deserve more. And like many of us, you will wake up one day (may take awhile) and the light bulb will go off and you will just know that you are tired of playing the same old games with the same old people and you will move on to bigger and better things (hopefully learning from your experiences along the way).

There are a couple other things to point out. First, being only 21 and living on your own with a full time job... do you know how many people your age (and older for that matter) would love to be where you are? Cherish that and don’t meet some guy and practically move in with him! You’re only 21... enjoy being single with no responsibilities. Life is too short to just start dating a guy you hardly know (after all you were the rebound). Had you taken your time with things you might have figured out that he was on the rebound, it might have hurt a little less, and you wouldn’t be worried about hanging out with him and his current girlfriend and your other friends.

Secondly, as for the partying with friends, we’ve all done it (most of us anyway), especially after just turning of age (I was a total party girl until almost 27). But in time this will get old too and juggling will get a little more difficult. Finally, to make everyone happy, suck it up... the guy was an ass for doing what he did but you allowed him to. People only do what you let them get away with. Rushing into things always makes you enter blindly; controlling things is a much better feeling and you have a chance to do that now. Don’t let this bother you (I know it’s easier said than done but give it a try, it will give you some confidence that you need) let it roll off your back like water on a ducks ass. Let them come over; your roommate will be happy, the guys get off your back, and you look like the bigger person. Especially if this is the group of friends you intend on continuing to hang out with.

As to your own happiness, first get over this guy. I hate to be the one to tell you but he doesn’t want you. He wants to get laid when things aren’t going his way. (Trust me when I say there are nice guys out there who are just as exciting as the bad boys) Start venturing outside of the people you hang out with on a daily basis, meet some new people. It’s a big big world out there and you’re just getting started. More importantly start enjoying some time by yourself. When you are happy with and know who you are, know what you will accept and what you wont, the bad boys always tend to fade out and prey on the next one who is still trying to figure it all out. Hell, they are still trying to figure it out themselves...

Give it time, you’ll get there
Eda