Am I too Submissive?

For a while now I have been involved with this woman, Denise. She and I were both heavy into the internet which is sort of how we met. Well, she and I have been having problems recently and I just don't know what to do. She likes this site called IMVU, which is part instant messenger, part virtual world. I go there sometimes just to chat and hang out with her. Well, she and some of her friends are involved in this fantasy role-play group on there. I'm not completely into it, but I try for her sake. Well, the other day she and some of her friends were talking. I was there also. They were talking about stuff in the group and about other people that I didn't know personally. I could barely say more than a few words.

Well, she is upset with me now because of this, says I made her look foolish just because I wasn't running off at the mouth or acting all lovey-dovey around them. She says the only time I did talk was when she coaxed me to. Okay, true as that might be, I tried explaining my position to her but she would have none of it. She says I'm too submissive, that she wants a mate who won't walk three feet behind her. I think she's making too big a deal of this; it happened in a virtual world, not the real world.

Before we got together, she and I could talk about anything. She says people are drawn to her, most men, for whatever reason, fall in love with her. I don't buy that, but it's what she says. That gets into another issue. Some of the guys in this group she belongs to post little flirtatious messages on the group's homepage, always in character of course. Well, a few times some of what they have said got to me, I couldn't help feeling a little jealous. And I realize now that it was stupid for me to feel that way. It's just virtual, not like these guys could do anything with her.

Denise wanted me to be her champion and life mate in this group, which I thought was pretty cool. Even wanted to take my character's last name as her own. I told her she didn't have to. And, surprise, she made a big thing about that too. She said it was like I didn't want anyone to know we were together. I don't know why she'd say that – every time someone sees her, I'm usually there with her and vice versa. Anyway, back to the chatroom thing. When we were in that chat room, there was this other girl there who I said maybe 2 or 3 sentences to. And from that, Denise thinks this other girl and I would be a good fit. Denise even went so far as being a go-between and trying to get me and this girl together. I went and talked to the girl because at that point it would have been rude not to. Yes, I did open up more around this new girl, but I don't feel the same about her as I do Denise. I tried explaining to Denise I don't want to be with anyone but her. And again she threw that stuff about being too submissive in my face.

I can't help how I am. Social situations, even virtual ones, are not my strong suit. And I was taught to be a gentleman and respect women. I don't know why that's not good enough for her. At one point, Denise and I talked about moving in together. Then we broke up for a different reason. I've been working, trying to get us back to that point because I adore Denise and I want to have a life, a real life, with her more than anything. But as long as she's going to keep getting upset about the slightest things, I don't know if we have a future. Am I being too sensitive? Is she right about me being too submissive? What can I do so I won't lose her for good?

JasonIndiana, United States

Dear Jason,

It seems you have a number of issues that need to be worked out. First let’s start with this whole chat room/fantasy thing. So you and Denise met pretty much through the internet (that’s how many people meet now a days); and the two of you role play on this IMVU, that’s cool, different (I checked out the site) but it seems to me that Denise is WAY to into this role playing. You said yourself you’re not really into it, you just try it for her sake and she is getting mad at you for stuff that happens in this fantasy world? Really? Repeat that back to yourself... Sounds absurd doesn’t it?

This chic is not living in the real world. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with fantasy role playing but when it starts ruling someone’s life, then yes, there is a problem. If she were the least bit concerned about your “relationship” (obviously she doesn’t care how you feel if she won’t even listen to your concerns) she would be concentrating on “it” not this fake world the two of you have created online. You don’t even like this online world that much but you’re allowing it to take control of your relationship. I once broke it off with a guy because he loved his X-Box more than me. Video games and fantasies are cool but there’s a limit for everything. Remember, too much of anything can turn into a bad thing (it's called addiction).

Second, don’t be so hard on yourself; so what if you’re not the social butterfly! Not every one is. That is what makes us who we are. As far as sensitivity, listen to Jewel’s song “I’m Sensitive” from her album Pieces of You (used to be my theme song!) and have confidence in your sensitivity and stay that way. If this is not what she is looking for, maybe you’re not the guy for her (or maybe she is not the girl for you).

You ask are you being too submissive; you’re damn right you are! But only when it comes to Denise; you’re letting this girl put you down and walk all over you. She is trying to drill it into your head that being a nice guy who respects women is a bad thing. Trust me when I say there are many women out there who want and are looking for a true gentleman. If it is sooo easy for men to fall in love with Denise (would that be in the virtual world or here on earth?) and she wants some guy to take control of her and treat her like crap, well they’re a dime a dozen; she won’t have a hard time finding one. But don’t ever second guess your beliefs and morals for anyone. By the way, if you are with someone you don’t flirt with other people, be it by way of real world or fantasy, period. I have known way too many people who ruin perfectly good relationships via Facebook and other computer generated programs (this IMVU would be included). Not cool.

Finally, the two of you already tried this once before and it didn’t work out. You say you broke up for a different reason. Whatever that reason may be, it happened and things happen for a reason. Many times (more often than not) we can’t ever go back. It usually turns out worse than the first time we tried. There are already issues that haven’t been addressed (or they have and it didn’t make a difference) and quite simply, people don’t change.

So, what do you do at this point? First you need to do a little soul searching. Know exactly what you will tolerate and what you won’t; more importantly promise your self that you will not settle for anything less than what you consider perfect (it’s different for every one). Once you figure that out, if you still want to be with Denise, talk to her. If this girl cares about you (at least a little) she would be willing to come back to earth and get over her holier-than-thou-attitude for a few moments to listen to your concerns possibly coming to a compromise so you guys can work through all of this and maybe stay together.

If she refuses and if she can’t respect where you are coming from, you need to ask yourself if she is really worth any more of your time. Every one deserves to be with someone who understands them, or in the very least some one who is willing to try. In this case, you’re doing all the trying and not getting anything in return (except the inference that you’re not good enough).

Stay true to yourself,Eda

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